Skin and Bones

I have had several thoughts the last few days. A bit of reflection on how I feel.

I got this image of how I want my body to look. It's not completely bony. The collar bones should be prominent, as the hip bones but these last ones would be just prominent enough. My stomach would be flat, when i lay down it could turn concave. the ribs would be teasing through. The back bone as well. You catch were I am going here. Here is where i hit problem. A few days ago I put on a shirt that usually would be sticking to my skin. Only it did not. But I haven't seen any change in my body. Why is shirt loose if i still look as fat and ugly as always? Will I ever get to see that image of me i want? Am I really so deep in my head that I am advancing and I don't see it? the weight hasn't changed. and the measurements haven't changed enough to see a change on the shirt either. Or are the tricks in my head actually making me imagine change so I look even more ridiculous than I already do? This whole insecurity deal is making me go crazy. I am so paranoid I am thinking bad things about friends and family. How could that even cross my mind!

I hate this I hate being so obsessed with something i don't even care about. Sounds weird that last statement but it's true. I am the type that doesn't judge by looks so why do I care so much about mine and what people think about me.

The really crazy part, I don't want to stop. The effects of this, the need to control my food, my looks, everything, I don't want to let go of that. It is a love hate relationship here. I know my mother is looking for a therapist, every few days she mentions it. I don't know if I want to go. Why can't I just be healthy and get that image of me. Sometimes i hate my mind more than the disorders, after all isn't it the cause of all this?

I'm starting to ramble, I am going to leave this one here.

The tittle of this is a song by Foo Fighters. There is several thoughts on what it is about, some say its about drug addiction, I heard that Dave Grohl had written it after a tour and it was about how tired he felt. There is another group who says it sounds like an ED. Personally, it sounds about a self destruction, which kind of fits in all these definitions and when I first heard it I thougth thta it fit the ED mind. For any one who wants to hear it here it is.