Thinking...

After a craving I could not calm I ended up doing a cheese sauce and ate it with Tostitos. And as I did I realized something. I keep eating because no matter what size I am, it wont make a difference. Sure I look horrible and loosing weight would help that. But that is just the smallest percentage of what is wrong with me. I keep eating because this has moved from anorexia to EDNOS as a copeing device with how much I hate myself. If I am a size smaller, I am still ungly, my skin is still the worst there is, my hair is to thin. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am seriusly thinking of doing a kind of manifest of how I feel and a list of the things I am thinking about, even if it will be a bit repetitive from this post.

And then there is the inside. I am boreing, slow, stupid, or to smart I don't know. I am convinced people avoid me. I dont go out because I think people look at me and say "what the hell is she doing here?". It takes me for ever to even think about even the idea of talking to someone. I have gone semesters with out even saying hi. I obses over the very few freinds I have because I alwasy think they will one day leave.

I keep eating because it wont fix anything. I am going to be depresed anyway might as well be depresed and full. I feel horrible about how I think of other people specially when someone is nice to me. I look at them and think "any minute now they just decide to leave."

I keep eating because even if it makes me feel like I failed at least it's better than feeling that the person sitting across from you in the classroom is looking for ways to move away from you.

I am going to stop now because lately I have been feeling low this last few dys and if I keep this up I will end in tears.