Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Romatic Comedy...Or Not

So I have been seriously thinking bout to write again and came up with these thoughts when I saw (500)Days of Summer.

I'll be honest, I am not a big fan of romantic comedies or things where romance seems to be main reason for the story. I don't know why but it just isn't my gig. But once in a while I get girly and catch a chick flick and I have been pleasantly surprised by some (loved Love Actually, then again it was about a lot of types of love). So I went with my best friend to see this movie, partially because I fell for the whole "a new romantic comedy" shtick they had going on. As I am watching several things made me uncomfortable. Some where just pet peeves like the oh so deep guy who thinks he can't find a woman out there who likes "good music" or the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. But one thing did get me. I think I don't like these movies because I am so convinced that I should just learn to live alone.

Don't get me wrong, in my mind friends are the top and I love my friends and would never change them for a boyfriend. But I wont deny that having someone in a relationship that is different from that friendship would be nice. I am a sucker for my own brand of romance, I read Jane Eyre and swoon at how Mr. Rochester and Jane tell each other they suck before laughing and kissing (if you haven't read this it is a must, specially for women!). I watch Labyrinth and love how the Goblin King tells Sarah that he has done it all for her. I love reading Lord of the Rings and see Faramir comfort Eowyn. You catch my drift here. Sometimes I would like to have someone say I suck and laugh before kissing me, for us to do something for each other and comfort one another when we need it.

But, I am so convinced of it that when I visualize myself in the future even when I think I would like to have kids I still see myself alone. I have even considered what would happen if I reach a specific age and still haven't found someone, thought of adopting kids and stuff like that and then I mentally slap myself and say "For fucks sake woman you are just 22!!!! You got more than enough time!!!" It's really stupid of me.

I have only had one real relationship but have gone on dates with other guys. And in the end they all had a long list of very bad things (the relationship was in junior high and we are still the best of friends, we were friends before dating and both consider friendship over a relationship. In fact part of why I didn't like the main guy in the movie was because he reminded me of so many of the guys I have met in these last few years. Maybe its seeing all these people in this movies who so effortlessly get into these relationships ( my mother loves these movies I have seen them many times yes i consider most of those relationships effortless they follow the same pattern of cliches)makes me wander what, do I need funny friend? A jerky boyfriend? What do I need? What do these people have that I don't?

And then comes people in real life. No I am not jealous of when my friends get in relationships, I am one if the first to ask them to tell me more. It's when I see people that I know are not good or such. People who I know have hurt other people (an ex best friend comes to mind) or people who are obviously incompatible or things like that. I don't know if I make much sense. But it just also makes me think if I am just not good enough.

Best part is I tell myself it's stupid to feel like this. I am young, life has just started and according to other people I am an awesome girl with a lot to offer and good looking. What the hell am I doing wrong then? I get told to be more out going, to fix myself up better, that I just need to be out more. I got news well intended friends and family, I have tried that and more. Sure my own internal problems don't help. being so convinced I am boring and all that really makes it hard for me to get confidence but the times that I do I end up shot down.

I feel kind of dumb to dedicating an entry to these thoughts, but what the hell. Maybe I will come to this again and make one that makes more sense. I should just call this "Rambles" or something. To finish off I leave with how this area of my life is right now. Completely single, there aren't even dates right now. There is one guy I kind of like, I met him and few other people on a trip and he was the only guy. But I shot myself early on from feeling anything else than he is a great guy to hang out with and I don't even know why. I haven't even known him that long and I am looking for fault on this guy. I feel like I am sabotaging myself, but I don't know. Guess I can't do anything but wait and see.