Low Self Esteem

I just told my mother I have BDD. I had been holding back because I knew she wouldn't understand. I love her. And I know she loves me. But how do you explain you hate yourself to someone who can't get their minds around the idea of something wrong in you?

The first thing she did was reassure me that everyone loves me how I am. I know that, I am the one who hates myself. I didn't tell her I obsess over my friends because I believe I can loose them any moment and that other people wont like me. I don't go out because I am sure no one will find me interesting and I will be bugging people. And in the physical, I can't even buy shoes because I find a million ways in which they will look bad in me.

This thing is misunderstood and the one person, the doctor who diagnosed it in me, didn't even try to help me cope. According to mom it was made worse telling me I had it. Honestly even if she lied I would rather think that what is going in me has name. At least I can try and fix that.

I don't know what to do now. I know this will spread through the family. She already contacted a cousin of hers that knows a psychologist, and maybe someone who isn't allowed to give pills will be better.

I never said anything because I think it stupid of myself to feel this way. I did this to be able to just write it down somewhere because I keep thinking I am a drama queen. I don't even want to think about it. Yet I exploded and said it. I wish I could help her understand. At least she doesn't know what I do to cope with what I feel. Only once did she catch me in a ana site and I was able to lead her off with saying it wasn't it was just an exercise and diet forum. If she knew I was still like this it would be worse.

I can't even think straight right now.