Thinking...

After a craving I could not calm I ended up doing a cheese sauce and ate it with Tostitos. And as I did I realized something. I keep eating because no matter what size I am, it wont make a difference. Sure I look horrible and loosing weight would help that. But that is just the smallest percentage of what is wrong with me. I keep eating because this has moved from anorexia to EDNOS as a copeing device with how much I hate myself. If I am a size smaller, I am still ungly, my skin is still the worst there is, my hair is to thin. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am seriusly thinking of doing a kind of manifest of how I feel and a list of the things I am thinking about, even if it will be a bit repetitive from this post.

And then there is the inside. I am boreing, slow, stupid, or to smart I don't know. I am convinced people avoid me. I dont go out because I think people look at me and say "what the hell is she doing here?". It takes me for ever to even think about even the idea of talking to someone. I have gone semesters with out even saying hi. I obses over the very few freinds I have because I alwasy think they will one day leave.

I keep eating because it wont fix anything. I am going to be depresed anyway might as well be depresed and full. I feel horrible about how I think of other people specially when someone is nice to me. I look at them and think "any minute now they just decide to leave."

I keep eating because even if it makes me feel like I failed at least it's better than feeling that the person sitting across from you in the classroom is looking for ways to move away from you.

I am going to stop now because lately I have been feeling low this last few dys and if I keep this up I will end in tears.

Skin and Bones

I have had several thoughts the last few days. A bit of reflection on how I feel.

I got this image of how I want my body to look. It's not completely bony. The collar bones should be prominent, as the hip bones but these last ones would be just prominent enough. My stomach would be flat, when i lay down it could turn concave. the ribs would be teasing through. The back bone as well. You catch were I am going here. Here is where i hit problem. A few days ago I put on a shirt that usually would be sticking to my skin. Only it did not. But I haven't seen any change in my body. Why is shirt loose if i still look as fat and ugly as always? Will I ever get to see that image of me i want? Am I really so deep in my head that I am advancing and I don't see it? the weight hasn't changed. and the measurements haven't changed enough to see a change on the shirt either. Or are the tricks in my head actually making me imagine change so I look even more ridiculous than I already do? This whole insecurity deal is making me go crazy. I am so paranoid I am thinking bad things about friends and family. How could that even cross my mind!

I hate this I hate being so obsessed with something i don't even care about. Sounds weird that last statement but it's true. I am the type that doesn't judge by looks so why do I care so much about mine and what people think about me.

The really crazy part, I don't want to stop. The effects of this, the need to control my food, my looks, everything, I don't want to let go of that. It is a love hate relationship here. I know my mother is looking for a therapist, every few days she mentions it. I don't know if I want to go. Why can't I just be healthy and get that image of me. Sometimes i hate my mind more than the disorders, after all isn't it the cause of all this?

I'm starting to ramble, I am going to leave this one here.

The tittle of this is a song by Foo Fighters. There is several thoughts on what it is about, some say its about drug addiction, I heard that Dave Grohl had written it after a tour and it was about how tired he felt. There is another group who says it sounds like an ED. Personally, it sounds about a self destruction, which kind of fits in all these definitions and when I first heard it I thougth thta it fit the ED mind. For any one who wants to hear it here it is.