The Calm In The Storm Or The Comfort Of Self Destruction

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I have lived all my life in a tropical island.  In my life I have seen my fair share of storms and hurricanes.  After so many years and our location as the door to the Caribbean by now people prepare methodically.  In the greatest calm they buy canned foods, they close windows built for winds and rain.  People drag their plants inside and secure their pets.  Houses are built in cement and are raised so water will flood less.  It’s only a small part of the people who run and frantically try to prepare.  The rest sit and calmly wait for the roaring wind and the torrential rain.  When it comes, they close their eyes and dream.  They stay calm unless there is a flood, at which point they evacuate and then sleep again in their refuge.   But thing I am sure almost everyone can tell you, we can’t help at one point, walk out of our cocoon and look at nature at one of its deadliest expressions.  I have seen people walk out and get the rain and wind in their faces.  It makes them feel alive I guess.  Storms bring certain calm here.  I guess it’s that for a moment we forget about everything else and we walk in the winds and rain and think everything will be ok.
Forgive me if that last passage made no sense but there is a reason. 
Pick your poison : drugs, booze, pills, food, metal, ect.  For me, it’s food and rubber bands.  Booze when I am at a party.
Now you prepare it.  Today it is nachos witch homemade cheese salsa.  You select the cheese so carefully.  One slice or serving for every cheese: Cheddar, Munster, Feta, even fake ones like Velveeta.  Then salsa, the spicy type.  In your mind you are counting the calories, the fats, everything that is wrong but you keep going.  It’s almost like a dream.  The same calm as those preparing for a hurricane, you know nothing but destruction is coming yet you are so calm.  Maybe it’s the inevitability.  You cook it, you open the chips, again all the counting.  Now you also visualize where all that will go.  The image of your body begins to change.  Your thighs, your arms, your stomach, pick one, it will begin to inflate.  Then it’s done.  You take it out the smell invading the kitchen.  And it begins. 
Self destruction takes many forms that is what the pick your poison part up there.  You know its wrong you know you shouldn’t.  Cutting leaves marks, pills and drugs can kill you, and food can make you sick, booze can do any of them.  But you still do.  And for a moment it is clear, like walking in a storm, you feel alive.  You don’t care about anything.  It is just you and your poison.   But storms are short.  And so is the high and the calm.
When you come down you feel even worse.  You knew this and that thought just makes it worse.  So you try to get it out of your mind.  This is where the rubber bands come in, or whatever second poison you got.  You pull on them and basically end up like the Spanish inquisition using them as whips everywhere you can.  Again, god it’s good.  The punishment begins to change and its pleasure.  Because now you don’t have to worry about what you just did, you can concentrate on the task at hand. 
That’s the danger of Self destruction, it is so fucking calm.  At least for me.  Sure I am feeling even worse now.  And it makes a freaking vicious circle.  Maybe there is purge after a binge or a cutting after drugs or whatever.  Self Injury is only followed by more and more.  The thing is, I am not here to tell anyone to stop, I do the same thing.  I know I need help that this is not the way to fix things.  Yet this storm for some reason gives me such a peace when it’s on me.  It’s like being drunk…only then there is that nagging feeling of wondering if everyone really had such a great time or if you just made a complete ass of yourself and everyone thought you where annoying. 
I really need that therapist or something, this is to fucked up.  I want to walk in this storm because it is the only thing making me feel good, but the only thing making me feel good makes me feel so bad I need the storm.  I can’t tell anyone who feels like something like this has happened what to do, but if you can get help, go for it.  I hate myself so much right now; I am willing to give therapy another try.
The only thing better than the storm is the calm after.  The bluest sky ever, the cleanest air, the coolest breeze.  I want that calm…