Define Maddness

There is a common conception: the insane don't know they are crazy, they think they are getting better. After all, accepting you have a problem is the first step to recovery right? thus that would mean that if you know you are sick you are getting better right? Then what does it mean when it seems you are getting worse?

There is a quote, I can't remember literally but it was from a patient in an asylum in the 19th century, her name was Anna Agnew. Anna knew something was wrong with her but it took what where several attempts to kill herself and her children to have her committed. When she got there she asked the Doctor if she was insane. His answer was that yes, quite insane. According to Anna, she felt so relieved to hear someone acknowledge her madness. She knew something was wrong, she had tried to kill herself, she was now a threat to her children. Does that make her any less than someone who doesn't know the difference?

And then there is the question of the person themselves. If the crazy don't know it, does that mean this person isn't sick? And would that person stop themselves from reaching out for help because well, if you know something is wrong does it mean you are making ti up or that you are exaggerating what is wrong? I wont say this is not a possibility, but well, maybe you aren't making this up? And maybe you don't want the attention.

Let me pose a question now: Do you think you are mad? I'm not talking technical terms here. And I mean really bad, Anna Agnew bad. Maybe we need someone to tell us it, maybe trying to look for help would not be a bad idea since that could help us check just how close to edge we are. Maybe madness is harder to define than the few terms and list there are. Or I am just rambling, your choice.

Reflections

Lately I have been thinking, about very different things. One of them is self perception. I'll be honest, I have a huge list of issues with physical aspects of myself. But people, that is the tip of the iceberg because what really messes me up. Before you question things I have said here, yes, BDD goes beyond physical things. I am convinced the people who have been there for me through thick and thin will one day not be able to stand me and leave. They will say I am just unbearably boring and give up. That's in part why I have become so harsh with myself, if i am boring can't I atleast be pretty? No, sorry you get none.

Why do I bring this up? Recently I have been considering several entries for this blog but discounted them because they seemend of topic. At first I thought it would be about one thing but it has begun to transform. What am I saying? Tis might be a chronicle of someone one with deep issue but I don't think these issues wont be limited to specifics. There will be disucssions on food,, phsical aspects, and such. but there will be other things.

If someone is reading this and thinking that I have missled you, I am sorry you feel that way I promise it was not my intention. I am not looking for atention and honestly, I think this is really just a personal diary because there are many much better blogs out there. Like I have said, my view of myself is not the best.

I am still deciding whether or not I will change this but if I do, the changes will not be to big and hell there might be more entries. Time will tell.

Romatic Comedy...Or Not

So I have been seriously thinking bout to write again and came up with these thoughts when I saw (500)Days of Summer.

I'll be honest, I am not a big fan of romantic comedies or things where romance seems to be main reason for the story. I don't know why but it just isn't my gig. But once in a while I get girly and catch a chick flick and I have been pleasantly surprised by some (loved Love Actually, then again it was about a lot of types of love). So I went with my best friend to see this movie, partially because I fell for the whole "a new romantic comedy" shtick they had going on. As I am watching several things made me uncomfortable. Some where just pet peeves like the oh so deep guy who thinks he can't find a woman out there who likes "good music" or the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. But one thing did get me. I think I don't like these movies because I am so convinced that I should just learn to live alone.

Don't get me wrong, in my mind friends are the top and I love my friends and would never change them for a boyfriend. But I wont deny that having someone in a relationship that is different from that friendship would be nice. I am a sucker for my own brand of romance, I read Jane Eyre and swoon at how Mr. Rochester and Jane tell each other they suck before laughing and kissing (if you haven't read this it is a must, specially for women!). I watch Labyrinth and love how the Goblin King tells Sarah that he has done it all for her. I love reading Lord of the Rings and see Faramir comfort Eowyn. You catch my drift here. Sometimes I would like to have someone say I suck and laugh before kissing me, for us to do something for each other and comfort one another when we need it.

But, I am so convinced of it that when I visualize myself in the future even when I think I would like to have kids I still see myself alone. I have even considered what would happen if I reach a specific age and still haven't found someone, thought of adopting kids and stuff like that and then I mentally slap myself and say "For fucks sake woman you are just 22!!!! You got more than enough time!!!" It's really stupid of me.

I have only had one real relationship but have gone on dates with other guys. And in the end they all had a long list of very bad things (the relationship was in junior high and we are still the best of friends, we were friends before dating and both consider friendship over a relationship. In fact part of why I didn't like the main guy in the movie was because he reminded me of so many of the guys I have met in these last few years. Maybe its seeing all these people in this movies who so effortlessly get into these relationships ( my mother loves these movies I have seen them many times yes i consider most of those relationships effortless they follow the same pattern of cliches)makes me wander what, do I need funny friend? A jerky boyfriend? What do I need? What do these people have that I don't?

And then comes people in real life. No I am not jealous of when my friends get in relationships, I am one if the first to ask them to tell me more. It's when I see people that I know are not good or such. People who I know have hurt other people (an ex best friend comes to mind) or people who are obviously incompatible or things like that. I don't know if I make much sense. But it just also makes me think if I am just not good enough.

Best part is I tell myself it's stupid to feel like this. I am young, life has just started and according to other people I am an awesome girl with a lot to offer and good looking. What the hell am I doing wrong then? I get told to be more out going, to fix myself up better, that I just need to be out more. I got news well intended friends and family, I have tried that and more. Sure my own internal problems don't help. being so convinced I am boring and all that really makes it hard for me to get confidence but the times that I do I end up shot down.

I feel kind of dumb to dedicating an entry to these thoughts, but what the hell. Maybe I will come to this again and make one that makes more sense. I should just call this "Rambles" or something. To finish off I leave with how this area of my life is right now. Completely single, there aren't even dates right now. There is one guy I kind of like, I met him and few other people on a trip and he was the only guy. But I shot myself early on from feeling anything else than he is a great guy to hang out with and I don't even know why. I haven't even known him that long and I am looking for fault on this guy. I feel like I am sabotaging myself, but I don't know. Guess I can't do anything but wait and see.

An Open Letter To Wanarexics

I have an offer for all who want to be thin. There is a way. It’s a simple trade. You will be thin, just give up your joy, your happiness, your friends, your family, your sanity and finally probably even your life.

Doesn’t sound to good anymore does it? Welcome to the mind of someone suffering from an eating disorder. Food is a constant obsession, it dictates everything. You will give up moments of happiness just because they include food. Birthday? No thank you, cake. Wedding? Nope, banquet! Party? Forget it, junk food! You will become irritated because of the lack of food and push people away. You will get sick and you will become weak. And when you look in the mirror what do you see? Same ugly person you have always seen. People telling you that your are beautiful? That you are thin? Don’t believe it, they are laying obviously, look at the mirror. Or they are jealous, the people who love you are jealous of you. Did I forget to mention paranoia is part of this package?

I am 21 years old and I have spent most of that in self loathing. I did not pick to feel like this, I did not wake up one day and say: “you know what? Today I will stop eating and be so beautiful OMFG!!!11!”. I spent the better part of junior and high school denying I had a problem. After all, my mother’s cousin had an ED and I was not like her. She is so thin she is frail, she has almost no muscle mass, bony, her hair is dull, and her smile is sad. I am just skinny. Never mind that I am actually underweight and bony myself. All I saw was just a belly that has never disappeared, flabby arms, and I ate sugar and junk like a maniac. That woman never eats, and if she does she only nibbles at food, not me I down diet coke and chips! I also had great exercise, my school was all stairs and we had to carry heavy loads all the time (it was an art school; we carried big projects someone even needing another person t carry them). Also I had always had been fussy at eating it was no problem. No I was not like that woman that made all my family worry that was so deep in her sickness that she could not even feed her children well and her husband had to take over. No. At most I just had a low self esteem and I am extremely shy.

Tell me why would someone choose to follow that woman who still looks so frail and sick? Who would want to suffer, not think of anything but food get sick and end up so screwed up mentally that your mind changes what you actually see?

Eating disorders are mental sicknesses that consume every aspect of your being. It’s a problem in your mind not your body. You cannot choose to feel like this. Recovery is possible but like an addiction this is something that is not simply cured. You can’t just shut a switch and stop seeing an image that is basically in your imagination. You can’t just shut off the depression that you feel, the feeling of unworthiness. This is not a diet plan, this is a sickness. You don’t want to be skinny; you just want to love yourself. And the only way to cope you can find is this self hurt and control. You count and counts hoping that one of this days these counts will make you stop crying.

Do you want to choose to be miserable? Do you want to choose to get your day controlled by the feelings brought on by a number on a scale? Do you want to end up crawling into the dark corners of your mind and staying there thinking just a little more and I will be ok? Just a bit more and I will be loved? Just a little bit more and I will be happy? But like drugs you know you will not be happy. Like a drug you need it to make yourself feel better even if you know you are slowly killing yourself. You will try t recover and find yourself falling back because you feel insecure.

Right now, I am sick. I have BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder) and EDNOS. I have thought my family and friends are trying to sabotage me. People tell me I look beautiful and just smile inside thinking they are trying to humiliate me or they are just saying what people expect of them. I don’t take picture because I look bloated. I have cried in dressing rooms because once I put on something and look at myself I look horrible. I had a fight with a store clerk because the store didn’t have anything that fitted me. Even shoes! I can’t buy shoes because they look horrible!

I count calories in everything. I can’t eat without thinking every one is saying “Oh my look at that chick!”. I hear people tell me confidence is the key to looking good and all I want to tell them “what about me then?”. My family says I look skinnier I tell them I still need to lose more.

If this letter makes no sense, let me tell you something, this is the mess inside my head. This disaster is what happens every minute of every day. Do you really want to choose this still? Do you really believe this is a lifestyle? Then I guess so is depression or schizophrenia right? From now on I decide I will be bi polar and speak to voices only I hear! Not as funny anymore huh?

If you believe this is a lifestyle, get to know someone who really is deep in this like my mom’s cousin or me. Watch us, see how unhappy we are even with so much good around. And then tell yourself, do I really want this?

Get on a healthy diet, exercise, live life, don’t follow me…

Yours truly, Ana Dollhouse

Thinking...

After a craving I could not calm I ended up doing a cheese sauce and ate it with Tostitos. And as I did I realized something. I keep eating because no matter what size I am, it wont make a difference. Sure I look horrible and loosing weight would help that. But that is just the smallest percentage of what is wrong with me. I keep eating because this has moved from anorexia to EDNOS as a copeing device with how much I hate myself. If I am a size smaller, I am still ungly, my skin is still the worst there is, my hair is to thin. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am seriusly thinking of doing a kind of manifest of how I feel and a list of the things I am thinking about, even if it will be a bit repetitive from this post.

And then there is the inside. I am boreing, slow, stupid, or to smart I don't know. I am convinced people avoid me. I dont go out because I think people look at me and say "what the hell is she doing here?". It takes me for ever to even think about even the idea of talking to someone. I have gone semesters with out even saying hi. I obses over the very few freinds I have because I alwasy think they will one day leave.

I keep eating because it wont fix anything. I am going to be depresed anyway might as well be depresed and full. I feel horrible about how I think of other people specially when someone is nice to me. I look at them and think "any minute now they just decide to leave."

I keep eating because even if it makes me feel like I failed at least it's better than feeling that the person sitting across from you in the classroom is looking for ways to move away from you.

I am going to stop now because lately I have been feeling low this last few dys and if I keep this up I will end in tears.

Skin and Bones

I have had several thoughts the last few days. A bit of reflection on how I feel.

I got this image of how I want my body to look. It's not completely bony. The collar bones should be prominent, as the hip bones but these last ones would be just prominent enough. My stomach would be flat, when i lay down it could turn concave. the ribs would be teasing through. The back bone as well. You catch were I am going here. Here is where i hit problem. A few days ago I put on a shirt that usually would be sticking to my skin. Only it did not. But I haven't seen any change in my body. Why is shirt loose if i still look as fat and ugly as always? Will I ever get to see that image of me i want? Am I really so deep in my head that I am advancing and I don't see it? the weight hasn't changed. and the measurements haven't changed enough to see a change on the shirt either. Or are the tricks in my head actually making me imagine change so I look even more ridiculous than I already do? This whole insecurity deal is making me go crazy. I am so paranoid I am thinking bad things about friends and family. How could that even cross my mind!

I hate this I hate being so obsessed with something i don't even care about. Sounds weird that last statement but it's true. I am the type that doesn't judge by looks so why do I care so much about mine and what people think about me.

The really crazy part, I don't want to stop. The effects of this, the need to control my food, my looks, everything, I don't want to let go of that. It is a love hate relationship here. I know my mother is looking for a therapist, every few days she mentions it. I don't know if I want to go. Why can't I just be healthy and get that image of me. Sometimes i hate my mind more than the disorders, after all isn't it the cause of all this?

I'm starting to ramble, I am going to leave this one here.

The tittle of this is a song by Foo Fighters. There is several thoughts on what it is about, some say its about drug addiction, I heard that Dave Grohl had written it after a tour and it was about how tired he felt. There is another group who says it sounds like an ED. Personally, it sounds about a self destruction, which kind of fits in all these definitions and when I first heard it I thougth thta it fit the ED mind. For any one who wants to hear it here it is.

On My Way

Well, lately it has been kind of up and down, I am beginning to develop certain ways of getting around things (read meals) and keep calories on the three digits. I also have been exercising more, I made homemade weights. I got to walk more often but at least I got a pedometer so it counts every step I take since I get up until I got to sleep. I also have been picking at my face less, I began slathering on the cocoa butter at night and the sun block at the day. I also began measuring besides just weighing. It's good, I am seeing more progress there so it motivates me.

I got a long way to go on what could be a never ending quest. A few days ago I was in a chat room. When they asked about our goals, honestly all I want is not to hate what I see when I look at myself. I am going to even spend the night doing some kind of exercise I don't care which.

I hope there is an end at some point.