You Owe It To Your Subculture

Disclaimer: This isn't aimed at any one in particular.

A subculture can be many things.  It can be a small group, it can be big, it can be about a fashion it could be a support group.  In the end for matters of this post lets define it as a group of people who in fact do form a series of things in common.  They can have common fashion scene, they can have common believes, taste in books, music, ect.  Now here is the thing, does it mean then that if you don't follow every aspect of any given subculture that you don't belong?

Here is an example: I like Gothic things, I like rock music.  I would say I am a Goth.  But I don't dress in black, I don't wear silver jewelry in the form of wolves or dragons ( I confess I do have a dragon but I don't wear it constantly).  I like vampires but I really dislike most modern aspects of them and don't believe in the darkness, no I believe like the original Gothic School of literature that it is not about the darkness in life but about being realistic.  So I guess I am not a Goth.  Does that mean I don't have the same right as them to indulge in all my Gothic fantasy be it Jane Eyre and the original chick lit that was Gothic Lit. as well as what it is now recognized as Gothic?  Another: Hippie means many things to many people.  Does it mean that just because I am not constantly in tie-die or in political rallies I shouldn't call myself one?

Where am I going with all this?  Recently I have been thinking if a name I have given myself really fits me.  I don't think like them, I don't talk like them, and even if I share a lot of the belives of these people I feel it is not enough to be part of it because I am not like them.  Of course it could just be me thinking I am not good enoguh and that I don't deserve company.  It has happened before.  But I believe the label fits me.  Does not being exactly like them make me less and thus not worthy of a name?  Or am I just afraidd that the acceptance I have found in this comunity is unfunded and doubting myself even if there is no reason?  Am I seeig myself as a wannabe just because I am not ok with myself or because I really am? 

There is no need to answer this, but maybe we are putting to much preassure on these labels.  It's about aceptace, does it mean that we might have to change aspects about ourselves to be accepted?  Then they aren't acceptin us.  I could go on like this for a long time but hey, I wont bore you.  I'll think about it better.  I have met some wonderfull people in this group or subculture.  It is not a group to be in but we are.  Kind of like Skizos bonding over their imaginary worlds.  But am I really part of this group?...

On a sidenote, I might just go to therapy again.  I am still thinking it over but everytime I read or write something like this I rethink the idea. Now if I could convince myself to actually call and make an apointment. 

Romatic Comedy...Or Not

So I have been seriously thinking bout to write again and came up with these thoughts when I saw (500)Days of Summer.

I'll be honest, I am not a big fan of romantic comedies or things where romance seems to be main reason for the story. I don't know why but it just isn't my gig. But once in a while I get girly and catch a chick flick and I have been pleasantly surprised by some (loved Love Actually, then again it was about a lot of types of love). So I went with my best friend to see this movie, partially because I fell for the whole "a new romantic comedy" shtick they had going on. As I am watching several things made me uncomfortable. Some where just pet peeves like the oh so deep guy who thinks he can't find a woman out there who likes "good music" or the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. But one thing did get me. I think I don't like these movies because I am so convinced that I should just learn to live alone.

Don't get me wrong, in my mind friends are the top and I love my friends and would never change them for a boyfriend. But I wont deny that having someone in a relationship that is different from that friendship would be nice. I am a sucker for my own brand of romance, I read Jane Eyre and swoon at how Mr. Rochester and Jane tell each other they suck before laughing and kissing (if you haven't read this it is a must, specially for women!). I watch Labyrinth and love how the Goblin King tells Sarah that he has done it all for her. I love reading Lord of the Rings and see Faramir comfort Eowyn. You catch my drift here. Sometimes I would like to have someone say I suck and laugh before kissing me, for us to do something for each other and comfort one another when we need it.

But, I am so convinced of it that when I visualize myself in the future even when I think I would like to have kids I still see myself alone. I have even considered what would happen if I reach a specific age and still haven't found someone, thought of adopting kids and stuff like that and then I mentally slap myself and say "For fucks sake woman you are just 22!!!! You got more than enough time!!!" It's really stupid of me.

I have only had one real relationship but have gone on dates with other guys. And in the end they all had a long list of very bad things (the relationship was in junior high and we are still the best of friends, we were friends before dating and both consider friendship over a relationship. In fact part of why I didn't like the main guy in the movie was because he reminded me of so many of the guys I have met in these last few years. Maybe its seeing all these people in this movies who so effortlessly get into these relationships ( my mother loves these movies I have seen them many times yes i consider most of those relationships effortless they follow the same pattern of cliches)makes me wander what, do I need funny friend? A jerky boyfriend? What do I need? What do these people have that I don't?

And then comes people in real life. No I am not jealous of when my friends get in relationships, I am one if the first to ask them to tell me more. It's when I see people that I know are not good or such. People who I know have hurt other people (an ex best friend comes to mind) or people who are obviously incompatible or things like that. I don't know if I make much sense. But it just also makes me think if I am just not good enough.

Best part is I tell myself it's stupid to feel like this. I am young, life has just started and according to other people I am an awesome girl with a lot to offer and good looking. What the hell am I doing wrong then? I get told to be more out going, to fix myself up better, that I just need to be out more. I got news well intended friends and family, I have tried that and more. Sure my own internal problems don't help. being so convinced I am boring and all that really makes it hard for me to get confidence but the times that I do I end up shot down.

I feel kind of dumb to dedicating an entry to these thoughts, but what the hell. Maybe I will come to this again and make one that makes more sense. I should just call this "Rambles" or something. To finish off I leave with how this area of my life is right now. Completely single, there aren't even dates right now. There is one guy I kind of like, I met him and few other people on a trip and he was the only guy. But I shot myself early on from feeling anything else than he is a great guy to hang out with and I don't even know why. I haven't even known him that long and I am looking for fault on this guy. I feel like I am sabotaging myself, but I don't know. Guess I can't do anything but wait and see.