On My Way

Well, lately it has been kind of up and down, I am beginning to develop certain ways of getting around things (read meals) and keep calories on the three digits. I also have been exercising more, I made homemade weights. I got to walk more often but at least I got a pedometer so it counts every step I take since I get up until I got to sleep. I also have been picking at my face less, I began slathering on the cocoa butter at night and the sun block at the day. I also began measuring besides just weighing. It's good, I am seeing more progress there so it motivates me.

I got a long way to go on what could be a never ending quest. A few days ago I was in a chat room. When they asked about our goals, honestly all I want is not to hate what I see when I look at myself. I am going to even spend the night doing some kind of exercise I don't care which.

I hope there is an end at some point.

Low Self Esteem

I just told my mother I have BDD. I had been holding back because I knew she wouldn't understand. I love her. And I know she loves me. But how do you explain you hate yourself to someone who can't get their minds around the idea of something wrong in you?

The first thing she did was reassure me that everyone loves me how I am. I know that, I am the one who hates myself. I didn't tell her I obsess over my friends because I believe I can loose them any moment and that other people wont like me. I don't go out because I am sure no one will find me interesting and I will be bugging people. And in the physical, I can't even buy shoes because I find a million ways in which they will look bad in me.

This thing is misunderstood and the one person, the doctor who diagnosed it in me, didn't even try to help me cope. According to mom it was made worse telling me I had it. Honestly even if she lied I would rather think that what is going in me has name. At least I can try and fix that.

I don't know what to do now. I know this will spread through the family. She already contacted a cousin of hers that knows a psychologist, and maybe someone who isn't allowed to give pills will be better.

I never said anything because I think it stupid of myself to feel this way. I did this to be able to just write it down somewhere because I keep thinking I am a drama queen. I don't even want to think about it. Yet I exploded and said it. I wish I could help her understand. At least she doesn't know what I do to cope with what I feel. Only once did she catch me in a ana site and I was able to lead her off with saying it wasn't it was just an exercise and diet forum. If she knew I was still like this it would be worse.

I can't even think straight right now.

How do You Tell Grandma No?

So I spent a day with family away in the country. I love them all but I got a problem. How do I tell my grandmother that the skin picking comes in because I don't like how I look? There's something about family where their love doesn't let them see anything bad at you. Or even understand the idea that there could be something wrong. So without noticing what you get instead of support is the contrary. And if your family doesn't support you, it makes you think "Who will?". Every time I get the "you should eat more" I want to scream that I don't want to because I feel gross. Or the you should take care fo yourself more with "damm no matter what I still can't look at myself!"

That is what sucks about stupid BDD,what you are seeing may be invisible t everyone else, all you see, and you will do all you can until you are happy with what you see. How can people help you when they can't see what you see when you look in the mirror? I have been thinking of going back to the "professionals" because I can't even buy shoes with out tinking I look horrible no matter what everyone else around says. But maybe instead of the pill provider I will try the one that just talks. Maybe this one can pretend to care better than the last one did, I am convinced she didin't. All her sessions where about half an hour and then a prescription. Maybe when they don't have pills to dish out they take a bit more work into what is going on right? Maybe there is some kind of help? Maybe they can get me to tell my family that so far, I don't eat because nothing else makes me feel good about myself and not eating mean I am actually trying to get to my goal. Damn I hate this, and at the same time, if it wasn't for that I would be completely hopeless.

Thats why I belive in Pro-Ana. You never know what is going through the head of these peole, because even fellow sufferesrs can't tell. Don't tell us we are wrong or sick, try to actually find out what is going on. You never you might get a suprise as to why we do the thing we do. No, I am not saying to become a wanna-rexic, that is stupid. I didnt try to become ana, honestly I didnt even notice it. I just stopped eating one day and now after "recovering" I feel worse and my ana is even more out of control. And they make it worse when they don't give me a chance t talk it with them. So they got to deal, grandma, no more please.

To Begin With

No one I know reads these things and I need a place to say all this before they eat me from the inside. I need help I know that but so far all I got was a woman who I pay to "care". I am not setting all this into my family and friends, they have bigger problems than this to deal with and I stay quiet about mine and help them with theirs out of choice. But if I don't do this I will end up crying in a changing room again. Anyone who needs to do this, feel free, this is anonymous and if you are reading this and feel like you need someone to talk to as well, just say it. You are not alone. The image on the mirror might not be true to all of them it is true to you. Welcome to the Doll House.